Mother/Necessity
I've had lots of comments from people saying how much they love my new work, which is super encouraging! Everyone wants to credit Hazel for the change, saying "I wondered how being a mother would alter your art!" and they're definitely not wrong.
One of the coolest things (in my opinion) a baby does is literally alter a mother’s brain. Babies force these intense priority shifts onto their mothers with their magical baby powers (hormones & biology are amazing). And the crucible of the fourth trimester (or, the first three months after a baby’s due date) really made me sort out my priorities.
Number One Priority: Keep Hazel alive and at the very least, content.
Number Two Priority: Keep Myself alive and at the very least, content.
That second point was a LOT more nuanced before the first came into play… Keeping a baby content is actually pretty straightforward (I do have an easy baby), but keeping myself content used to be super confusing. Thanks, conscious brain. Thanks, modern human potential. Thanks, conflicting desires, wants, and needs as a woman in her 30s in the 21st century.
Before Hazel, I hemmed and hawed about whether I really wanted to put in the work to become a full-time artist. I used to give up at the first sign of struggle, thinking “Oh, if this is hard I must not be meant to pursue it,” while at the same time, choosing the hardest routes possible out of some kind of masochistic bent that was probably just a subtle form of self-sabotage. Eventually I figured out “Oh, this is hard because I haven’t practiced it,” but my tolerance for difficult emotions was a practice in and of itself that I wasn’t good at yet, either.
Enter: human child. Suddenly I was filled with deep regret that I wasn’t a full-time artist yet, because I realized I did not want to have to go back to my J-O-B for more than just selfish reasons. I desperately wanted to do nothing but take care of this baby and have the flexibility to work between and around his naps and during whatever hours I could fit things in. And, I desperately wanted that precious time and energy to be spent doing something I believe with my whole heart I am meant to be doing on this planet, which is making art.
The other thing babies are good for is absolutely bringing you to your knees with exhaustion and frustration and all those difficult emotions I avoided like the plague. They very quickly teach you how to show up when you don’t want to. And, they teach you how to deeply love a thing that can’t really love you back right away, which happens to be a good lesson when trying to build a business.
When Hazel was first born, I despaired that I would ever have time or energy to pick up a fork to eat, let alone a paintbrush to paint. Now that I’ve got a few months of motherhood under my belt, my time is still short, but I’ve adapted. Now I paint with abandon because I feel a deep necessity to do it, a need to remain connected to myself and my purpose beyond keeping my little Love alive and well. And abstract art has offered itself as a beautiful entry point to that connection.
I have found my abstract paintings to be incredibly intuitive and playful. They are conducive to the dreaded 15-minute-long daytime nap. If I can make a mark on a substrate at least once a day, I can continue to feel like myself, like more than just a milk machine and a vehicle (his latest thing is not staying in one place for more than two seconds) for a bossy baby boy.
And best of all, abstract art allows me to express in vivid color and texture and energy all the beauty and hope and joy and love and heartbreak that I see in the world because of this same delightful, bossy little boy who I love so dearly. I hope that shows through in each of my paintings. I think it has, based on your comments. “Isn’t it amazing how much they change you?” It is, truly, in the best kind of way.
